Of course every relationship has its ups and downs, but my relationship with the Lower 48 never really had a fighting chance. Not that I didn’t try hard to make it work. Sacrificed everything really, and I couldn’t have been more unhappy along the way - even when I had it all.
We were just cut from different cloth. Raised in rural Alaska in a subsistence lifestyle, home schooled for a large part of my education, banned from watching the majority of TV or listening to pop music, but allowed to travel on my own since I was 10. My world never synced with American culture.
It wasn’t like I didn’t know the relationship had its problems, but like many woman out there - I needed to make it work for my family. However, after my sisters were grown and the economy tanked, I just couldn’t do it anymore. My relationship with America wasn’t built on solid ground, and like so many relationships before it - the internet got in the way.
In the midst of a deep emotional crisis I feel in love online. She was beautiful. Everything I’d imagine the Lower 48 to be, but it wasn’t. Not only that, but she was welcoming me with open arms. A steady job, health insurance, low taxes and a job I’d dreamed of doing since I was old enough to hitch hike.
So I threw away ten years of trying and I took a chance on love. I moved to South Korea, leaving behind a loving and supportive family and many angry folks who felt mightily betrayed by such a sudden departure.
Sitting still wasn’t an option for me anymore. My life desperately had to change. I couldn’t wake up one more day pretending to be in love. It was worth losing everything for the chance to want to wake up again in the morning. South Korea, was the sirens song.
Of course, she isn’t my first love, no that was Europe when I was seven. I first fell in love on the tail of a ferry leaving France. I stood alone and wept silent, painful tears as chunks of my heart fell out and mixed with the foam the sea and the salt. It felt as I was being torn from the arms of my mother. It remains one of the most painful memories of my life, as it was the first time my heart was broken as I watched Europe slide further away from me. After that my heart was owned by the road. Everything I did I did for her.
Endless romances have come and gone: different countries, different places, different faces.
There was a torrid romance with Central America. It was short, but passionate. It had everything I was looking for. Deep, dark and handsome - I loved the danger and the surprises at every turn. Part of me thinks we might be together again someday, but most of me knows that it’s a relationship that burned too hot to be good for too long. Maybe best left as an affair to remember.
After it, there was northern cousin Mexico. We went steady for a while, but the long distance relationship was hard to maintain and I felt like it needed to grow up a bit. I still miss it though: those long walks on the beach, stunning sunsets, and romantic dinners. Yah, I loved it while I could but ultimately I felt it was meant for another.
Of course, I was never really very faithful. Running from one country to another. Always going back to Europe and my many loves. Every time, promising that next time I would stay forever and that I would stop running around and just make it official.
But when the time came, for me to breakup with ‘Merica - I didn’t go back to my first love. Nope, I took my broken heart to South Korea because it was new and undamaged by endless goodbyes and broken promises…. and I’ve never looked back.
Even though I thought it was just a rebound fling, more and more it feels like the real things. True love. I no longer yearn to go from one place to another like I used to. In fact, for the first year I never even left the country. When I finally did I just wanted to get back as fast as I could, because it felt like home.
Like any relationship, we are just trying to figure each other out, but I’m enjoying the feeling of being in love and doing all I can to nurture it and build it and protect it.
This love story was brought to you by Lanae from Chasing a Tale
0 comments:
Post a Comment